I despise silence and love it. The loud quiet, endless room for possibility, the unknown, future dreams. I can even, with focus, make the thoughts that trip over themselves in my head whisper whisper whisper until there is no sound in my mind beside the rasp of air as it moves through my lungs.

I treasure the shared silences more. You, sitting there. Me, here. And nothing need be said because, in that moment, we know it all already.

Most quiet is almost always interrupted by the near constant ringing in my ears. Due to years of loud music pumping into my ears, there is now rarely a moment without a buzz and I try to stifle this silent lack of silence with contemplation and, ever since liz posted the call for blogs on life lessons, i've filled the quiet thinking on what i've learned. I'm making lists in my head, measuring what lessons are worthy of writing, struggling to be honest with myself. I've learned a million lessons in the past five years and have had to relearn some of them until there's that final moment of ultimate realization and I can add up all the wasted hours relearning what i should have had down to begin with. Tres embarrassing. But, through much (near) silent struggle, I've mangled the list until there is one lesson left that I've learned and still fumble with regularly: You fall, and you pick up the pieces. I do believe Jimmy Eat World says it best---

It just takes some time,

little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything, everything will be just fine,

Everything, everything will be alright.

There have been moments, countless, in which i've let this depression strangle me until all i can see is what is lacking and what is broken. Instead of finding some emotional super glue, I would assume that what is broken is beyond repair and let myself flounder in self-pity and desperate sadness. Always, I'd cuddle up to this pessimistic world-view: happiness is ever unattainable and you flounder and drown until you find your way to the grave. Every failure was the end of the world. It is easy to live in such a world view because nothing is ever your fault. This and this happened. So and so broke your heart. No one understands you. No one loves you. It is all so tragically poetic to you, and that, at least, is something.

I think this might be a lesson everyone learns, or needs to, at some point, even if you are a happy, emotionally stable human being. Because, many times, we let mistakes we make go by unnoticed, ignoring the things we break, perhaps shuffling them under a rug. We let hurt pull us under.

You fall. YOU. And you are capable of putting your life back together again. Or your broken heart. Or your slightly damaged GPA. We are all in the middle of some kind of ride, whether it is some terrifying rollercoaster or a merry-go-round. We are in the MIDDLE, nowhere near the end and you have so much time to make use of, so much life to live that slight creaks and groans in the mechanics of it all shouldn't bring you down. There's always WD-40, you know. And, with work, everything can be just fine. But it takes work. You don't, for example, find out your grandfather has died and magically be happy one day somewhere down the road.

You have to make yourself better. And there's hard work there.

SUPERFLUOUS SIDE NOTE: every time i write a post for this blog, i jumble metaphors and allude to vague things that i never mention again. there is much confusion in what i write, but also much confusion in my head most of the time. So, let's just call this mess stream of conscious. Or something...

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It's been quite a crazy start these last 3 months. I've moved out, suspending my employment, and made up for lost time. The weekdays have been spent doing school work, which I've never done before, and the weekends are spent partying. Sacrificing your weekend nights serving really puts a strain on your party life. So I've put some time into catching up on all the things I missed.

The apartment is still a naked shell with only shreds of furniture and objects in it. At least I have a coffee table I can put my feet up on, even it that means possibly spilling my water. There are still things that are missing; I would like to get a dinner table so I have a place to throw my junk mail or invite guests over for dinner. Also a nightstand to put a little lamp on and for someplace I can hit my alarm clock off. A bookshelf would be nice but not necessary, but I would like to display all my smarty pants books. I want all this stuff in order to fill up the empty void of space. I want to feel like I'm walking into a "home" and not feeling like a hotel resident. In time things will start to materialize, but I don't think I'll truly be satisfied until I buy my own home and there is a dog running around in the back yard. The future is a scary but exciting thing to think about.

Something to munch on for Tuesday's Lunch. Words are part of a balanced diet.

If you don't want a full meal, you can always check out my tumblr for little snacks during your day.

http://repptar.tumblr.com/

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March is going to have a theme. I'm really interested in life lessons. Let's all help each other and learn.

Matt had one of his high school yearbooks out yesterday and I realized how long ago high school was for me and for pretty much everyone else I know. I mean, long enough ago that we've all changed probably almost entirely but not so long ago that we can't summarize the highlights and remember the things we've accomplished and information we've processed and experiences we've had.

So, I want you to pick one life lesson that sticks out that you've learned since you graduated from high school or a life lesson that you think is the most important thing you've learned since then or a couple lessons that go together that you feel are particularly significant in some way that you picked up since then or anything else that goes along with that type of theme. I'm sure you get the picture. We're just using "since high school" as a somewhat arbitrary measure of time to focus these lessons a bit. This is the spot for all premature quarter-life crises, after all.

It's crazy to me to think about how after high school we kind of branch off and do our own things. We separate from the pack more than ever and start our life journeys. Whether you went to college or got a job right away or traveled the world or anything like that, I'm curious to know how it changed you. I want to time capsule this shit because in another 4-8 years, we're going to realize how long ago it was that we were in our early twenties and at that point, I'm going to hunt you all down again and make you reflect once again and then compare. Because in 4-8 years, we'll all be entirely different than we were all over again.

Also, with your entry, please include the number of years since you graduated from high school. I'm just curious about that. It's for my own personal self-indulgence. And maybe others will find it interesting as well.

Send any contribution or inquiry/comment/concern to bettermakeitfast@gmail.com or contact Ryan and/or I directly. If you have your own blog, we can add you as a blog contributor and you can post under your own account. Also, spread the word. Tell your friends to do it. I'd love to have a variety of entries.

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Can I take all that back? Let's just forget Feburary 13th happened.

I came home from New Orleans. I drank a lot to have fun because Pittsburgh didn't seem fun enough on its own. The jobless misery set in again right away and I was bumming. Still depressed as fuck. It was like going away did nothing to ease that like I thought it would. I came home more angsty than ever. I still felt useless.

And I was totally ok with how I was acting. I was acting like a petulant child and I knew it and I had no intention of changing. I really had no desire to pull myself out of it. I probably dug myself in even more because I refused to accept the fact that I was back and it was still snowy and I still didn't have a job so then I decided to hate everything else too.

So, I kept up with this bitter thing for about a week. 'Til it all clicked in my head and I made one of those lists of all the things to be thankful for and it re-grounded me. Unfortunately, the aftershocks of the damage that I'd wreaked were yet to come...

On Friday night, I got PLASTERED in a way I've never been plastered before in my life. Earlier that day, things had changed and I was happy again. I was focused again. I accepted Pittsburgh and my life again. So, it seemed like a night that was fit for celebrating. And I started early and drank almost an entire bottle of vodka by myself and passed out by 10. I mean, I rallied again with the help of some friends and was back downstairs at the party by 1. But there were definitely parts I'm ashamed of. I hate who I am when I'm that drunk. Personally, to me, a lot of my drunk behavior is really kind of unacceptable. Blacking out is never a good idea. So, that night combined with two South Side outings last weekend during which I also said and did things I don't remember basically add up to me feeling like an immature piece of shit. I'm 22. Shouldn't I be over this by now? So, the first aftershock is a personal one. I feel like I've let myself down.

The second primary aftershock is the worst because it involved me hurting other people. Especially one of the people I care about the most right now. And we've all experienced that shitty feeling that happens after you've done that. And it makes you not want to do that ever again. If you're depressed or bitter or angry or sad and someone cares about you enough to be close to you and see all that and experience it in tandem, you kind of drag them down with you. Which is the most compelling incentive for not being depressed or bitter or angry or sad that I've ever encountered. Sometimes when you are that way, there's nothing you can do to help it. I know that depression is a real thing. And I'm still bitter and bumming. But hearing these things from someone that I care about makes me want to try 100,000,000 times harder to be better and happier and not focus on the negatives. And motivation is the first step in recovering.

And this blog was probably not of any use to anyone but myself, but it felt cathartic and like it brought closure to all that stupid angst that previously came out of my head.

But here's the take home lesson which actually may be of use to someone: Focusing on negatives and how you'd rather be anywhere but where you are or in any situation but the one you're in makes where you are seem even worse than it actually is. This can be anything from a physical place to a work environment to a bout of bad luck or anything else. Embrace the good people that are around you. It's been my experience that people can make anything worthwhile. Refusing to recognize all but the bitter aspects of life hurts the people you love the most. They'll help you (to the best of their ability) pull out of it, but 90% of the work has to come from you. You can push people away faster than you think. Ultimately, if you continue on in your depressed and bitter ways, you could lose them. And it will be just one more thing to be depressed and bitter about except then it will have been all YOUR fault. And that's actually really something to be depressed about. Finally, alcohol in excess is never a good idea, whether it be to take the edge off the bitterness or to celebrate that it's gone.

It's likely that I will continue to be depressed for some time because that's just the nature of this kind of thing. I'll still cry for no reason. I'll still feel absolutely frustrated and useless. But after dealing with these two different types of consequences, I think I'm ready to refocus and start to pull myself out of it. For the sake of my well-being and the fact that I owe it to the people I love to be happy. Because they're nothing short of wonderful. And there are still SO many lessons to learn. I kind of thought my growing pains were over until now.

I hate 22. It's hard.


"Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength." - August Wilson

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At least we left before we had to go
- Ryan Adams, New York, New York

Wow, two part entry tonight.

2 feet of snow will do this to you. Years of missed opportunities will do this to you. Plus, I have to skip sake bombs tonight because I'm broke. But then again, I'm only that broke because I'm going to New Orleans to live wildly with Julia next week and experience Mardi Gras for the first time. So, maybe that's not really a significant factor. But, I mean, bummed out moods make you do crazy things.

Moving on the actual point here, I've expanded my employment search. It's now a national search. Fuck you, Pittsburgh. One application to Oregon put in. That way I can get law school connections. Two applications to NYC are pending. That way I can be closer to my sister.

The world won't wait, so I better shake

I'm not wasting my time in this place. I'm not staying here until something happens for me. It's not that people don't matter, because they do. Experiences don't mean anything unless you can share them with someone. I learned that hardcore when I lived in Chile for a summer. So, if I get a job in Pittsburgh, I'll stay for sure. I don't actually hate it here. It just feels like I do right now. But I'm not limiting myself to staying. Who knows what could happen way out there in other places with other people. I sincerely love the people I know here, but Pittsburgh used to be a new place. Maybe I can fall in love with other people just as much or even more. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll love other places more than I could ever love another person. I wish I could just have both. I usually end up kicking myself in the face with regret with every decision I make which is why I'm hesitant to make them. But the pull to leave is there. And no matter how much regret arises, there is always something so substantially rewarding about a new experience that you can write off the regret as negligible after the memories subside. I really do feel almost absolutely nothing for WNY at this point. As sad as it seems to me right now, maybe I'll feel almost absolutely nothing for Pittsburgh someday.


"Loving is not just looking at each other, it's looking in the same direction." -Antoine de Saint-Exupery

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This is a song about Susan
This is a song about the girl next door
This is a song about the everyday occurrences that make you feel like letting go
Yes, I think we've got a problem
- Everclear, So Much For The Afterglow


These first three are all related. To be concluded in Part 2.

1a) I hate winter. I wake up looking like a dead depressed skeleton of a person. It's cold as fuck, my skin lacks the ability to bounce back and look alive, and I have huge dark chronic circles under my eyes which no amount of cover-up could ever fix. And I'm super pale, as per usual. Seeing that face in the mirror every morning just amplifies the seasonal affective disorder or whatever it is that physically or psychologically prevents me from being happy in the winter. And goddamn, the wanderlust is bad.

1b) I love my iPod. I emotionally react to music when it's loud. And when American Hi-Fi shuffles up, things get messy. It takes me back to being 15 and then I start feeling immature and then the music gets loud and then I want to ruin boys like I did when I was 17 and 18 and 19 and 20. RUIN THEM. Yeah, this music thing... it gets out of hand. I don't even like American H-Fi. It's music for 12 year olds. Anyway, it's good that I rarely listen to music anymore. Music used to be my thing. I used to be way fucked up too. And I can only imagine that my emotional reaction to the music nicely intensified the situation. But on a more rational and less personal level, how could you not react to Flavor of the Weak? GOD HELP ME if I ever sit around waiting for a boy to want me (we all do this at least once... often more than once). Seriously. I want to get blitzed on Friday night and swing dance on Saturday night and go to the aquarium on Sunday. Girls, go get blitzed, go swing dance on Saturday night, and go to the aquarium on Sunday whether you have a boy or not and whether you want a boy or not. We all relearn this lesson at least once. Often more than once. If you don't take care of your entertainment needs, you'll be unhappy. Take your boy if he wants to go, of course. But if he doesn't, just go do your thing. Not every day of the week, obviously. But enough to make you happy.

1c) I'm going to New Orleans for Mardi Gras to spend some time with my best friend Julia and live it up because I'm 22 and that's the best age to say, "Fuck this," and do what you want. So, fuck this, I'm doing what I want.


2) Recipe for disaster: skeletal/hollow self + wanderlust + loud music + unemployment + everything is snowballing into "I need something else." All of that (minus the unemployment) is the January-February norm, but this year I'm hoping to get the wanderlust and the SAD and the self-imposed cage all out of my system and go be wild like I am during the summer and how I used to be before other things happened so that maybe I can enjoy the rest of winter. What better place to be wild than in New Orleans with my best friend Julia (who I miss 20,000 moments a day) during MARDI GRAS. Goodbye, savings. You aren't worth the wasted opportunities. Plus, I'm helping out with stuff (here I come cabinets) which is my favorite thing of all time. I'll probably be a gold digging whore in 5-10 years just so I can live off my husbands salary and spend my days volunteering.


I LOVE 22. Get me on that Amtrak.

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Last night, Conan O'Brian hosted The Tonight Show for the very last time. And while it was hilarious as all his shows always were, he went out honorably. He had nothing but thanks and gratitude for the opportunities he had with NBC. Yes, he thanked them in spite of everything. He's a real respectable guy. Admirable. Kind of like Jesus. He nearly teared up when thanking the fans and he pointed out that he's been able to do things that other people dream of doing. But the point I want to emphasize in this blog is what he said about cynicism which really hit home and so I'm going to share it with all you blog fans because I think it's something that we should really take to heart. I mean, I feel like the most cynical of all people sometimes, but what he said made me want to approach things differently and get back to the way I used to be when I still believed in things every day. He asked this of the fans (as he noted, particularly the young ones). I think we owe it to Conan to follow through, so listen up:

"Please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism. For the record, it's my least favorite quality. It doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you, amazing things will happen."

If you go to the episode on Hulu or something and watch him say this, it's quite motivating. He particularly emphasized the kind part. Be kind and work hard and don't be cynical. Amen. He actually is Jesus. Do it, yo.

Conan got canned by NBC. Now that it's all over, the "I'm With Coco" movement has no point. There's nothing we can do. As an alternative, let's give another meaning to the movement by being kind and working hard and not being cynical. I'm still with Coco. Do what he told us to do because it's goddamn good advice.

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