Lost and Found

Posted by Lizzie on Thursday, April 30, 2009
People of the world, our guest blogger for April is Dan. Enjoy!

A lot of people say that “what goes around comes around”—that there is balance in this universe. I like to think that there’s some truth to this mentality. I’m not saying that turning the other cheek when somebody punches you in the face is always in your best interests [they might punch that one, too], but that there’s certainly something to be said for not “burning your bridges.” I would like to reflect upon this phenomenon in the material sense [Karma meets Capitalism. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Buddha].

Everyone can remember things of theirs which have been lost or stolen, of high or low (sentimental) value, but before you cry about it think of all the sweet things that you’ve found or been given! So you’ve just lost a few million in a Ponzi [Pansie] scheme, depending upon your current relation to the retribution/reward policy of the cosmos…tomorrow UPS could be delivering you a freakin’ talking unicorn that lays golden eggs, packaged in a crate made out of cheesecake [Wikipedia cheese polymers and matrices]. So how do we know where we stand in this cost/compensation equilibrium? Something you might want to know when crossing the street or picking out a hooker.
Don’t worry, I’ve devised a system:

Accessories and articles of clothing: ± 2

Food/drink: ± 1

Vehicles: ± 7

Money: ± 1 (.20 * $ amount)

Furniture, fixtures, equipment: ± 3

Miscellaneous: ± 1

Irreplaceable items: ± 5

Now let’s put it to the test…with my life. For simplicity, I’ll list anything applicable in the order of the above categories.

Accessories and articles of clothing
-2 = +2 -2 -2 Umbrellas
+2 = Green, Fidel Castro-esque hat
+2 = Black, Fender zipper hoodie (a zippie, a zoodie?)
+2 = White headband
-2 = SpongeBob t-shirt
-8 = -2(4) Luggage at Geauga Lake
+10 = +2(5) underestimate of the freebies you can get in Oakland

•Umbrellas pass like they’re batons in a relay race.
•Found the hat in Eddie’s, before it was consumed by the monster that is Market Central.
•I got out of my car. I came back to my car. There was a white headband on the passenger seat???
•Krista Novak stole my shirt.
•A thief stole my swimsuit at Geauga Lake when I was 8. He/she should have spit in my ice cream while he was at it.
•They might as well be shooting t-shirts out of cannons.

-9 = -1(9) people not having money when going out to dinner/use of meals to repay personal debt.
-9 = +1(3) -1 (12) bottles of liquor given to me versus bottles I have given
+30 = +1 (30) gross underestimate of the freebies you can get in Oakland

• “Oh thank you so much for helping me move out—I owe you dinner!”
•OK, so I’ve boozed a lot of people out, BUT somebody recently stole me a bottle of Bombay Sapphire and somebody else gave me a bottle of Absinthe!
•You don’t have to be an active participant in anything to receive cookies, pop, or pizza.

-7 = my orange bike
0 = -7 + 7 Buick Roadmaster

•Somebody stole my bike off my front porch when I was 10. Little did I know much I’d miss that thing when in college.
•My dad needed the car one day while I was swimming at the local pool. So without telling me, he walked there and drove off with it, leaving me with nothing but a towel and sandals.

-4.87 = -1(.20 *$24.37) my last paycheck at Café Sam, because I never wanted to walk in there again
0 = -1(.20 * $268) +1(.20 * $268) my wallet
+4 = +1(.20 * $20)

•I proceeded to work there the following summer.
•My dad thought it’d be funny to break into my car while playing basketball and steal my wallet.
•…and then I found twenty dollars.

Furniture, fixtures, equipment
+12=+3(4) # of rooms I’ve been able to furnish from old people dying
+3 = shower rack that I took from my last apartment which was already there when I arrived
-3 = Lobos Mgmt. disposing the grill on our back porch.

•They’ve gone to a better place (my apartment).
•After it was condemned, I actually went into the empty building to grab it. Then I compared it with other apartment’s racks and took the best one.
•Lobos management stole our grill because it was chained to the wrong side of our porch.

-1 = original Charizard Pokémon card, the one that did 100dmg
-1 = a basketball

•Stolen from my locker in the 5th grade. Enjoy it, you little bastard.
•Writing your name on it doesn’t always work.

Irreplaceable items
-5 = my Diablo II account
+10 = -5 +5 +5 virginity

•For real? Just for a Stone ring of Jordan? Some people have no common decency.
•You’ve only got one, but you can take as many as you please.

OK, so let’s tally up the scores. +4 +12 -7 -0.87 +12 -2 +5 = +23.13
Uh oh, I might be in trouble. Either I have a tendency to dwell on the positive aspects of my life, or my day of reckoning is soon to come. Whatever the case, you can bet that I’ll be living it up in the face of danger, jaywalking, and choosing Candy over Sandy.



I left out the anecdote regarding the black hoodie.

So I was disc golfing one Spring afternoon with Giancarlow when we happen upon a very tall tree with something black hanging from it. I decided to climb up and take it down. It turned out to be a like-new hoodie, in my size.

Yeah, maybe somebody put it there with intentions of getting it back, but I doubt it. It was not a very climbable tree, and had the 'bully tossing your crap where you can't get it' kind of vibe.

Giancarlo, minus the W.

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